Daily Rant – Deadly Sin Edition. 06 December 2018.

My brain can usually only make place for one annoyance at a time.

But this is not an annoyance. It’s that rare thing – a thought.

People like David Attenborough (and I love him to bits) would have us believe that as a species we dragged ourselves to the top of the evolutionary ladder through spit, tears and a good attitude. Lent a bit of an advantage by an upright stance, group dynamics and an opposable thumb.

With due respect I disagree.

Except the thumb bit – thumbs up (couldn’t resist).

Do you know what drives our species. Aside from the slow but steady grinding force of DNA mutation and survival of the fittest?

The seven deadly sins.

Today they’re more of a guideline due to the fact that most civilised nations nations have stopped stoning people or burning them.

Yes, Iran I’m looking at you – stop being so coy. And Syria – stop hiding behind that ophthalmologist – I see you, din;t need glasses.

But those seven ‘don’t do’ (otherwise someone will start throwing lightening) are what drove human development.

Let’s have a look at them.

  1. Lust
  2. Gluttony
  3. Greed
  4. Sloth
  5. Wrath
  6. Envy
  7. Pride

Let me explain my reasoning.

Step by step. Sin by sin.

  1. Lust.

I leg humpingly believe that this is what allowed us to progress. The moment Ugg looked at Goongers mate and said ‘want’ that was the human race started really running for the bear skin duvet. The latest science shows that we fucked the Neanderthals out of existence. I would not be surprised if scientist examining a Woolly Mammoth carcass from the steppes of Russia found human DNA. We’ll fuck anything. Pornhub says so.

Please don’t go to Pornhub and search ‘Woolly Mammoth’. I haven’t, but I am 100% convinced that there will be entries.

Sexy Beast

Ok – now that you’re back (proving my point) and have used the eye bleach let’s move on to Gluttony.

2 .Gluttony.

Yum. Who doesn’t like to eat? People in life rafts eat each other. People eat spiders – which I think is fantastic – the more the better. Eat House Centipedes next and then move on to the slugs and moths.

Here’s the thing. Have you seen a Dodo lately No?

Reason: We fucking ate them all.

This will end badly

The human race is full of greedy fucks. Why? Because we are omnivores. We are not specialised – if it walks, crawls, slithers or bounces we’ll eat it. It gives us a competitive edge.

3. Greed.

‘Please sir – may I have some more?’ Don’t pay attention to that little shit. We are all a Darwinian examples of how greed will pop us up the ladder to evolutionary success.

Greed is good. It makes us tick as a species. It provides us with hope and the ability to strive for a better tomorrow. Without greed we would never have left the primordial swamp.

4.Sloth.

This sin is not difficult to put into an evolutionary perspective. The reason is that if you fall prey to the other six ‘sins’ you will almost automatically fall prey to sloth. Once you have finished with greed and lust and gluttony you’re going to want a lie down. And more of the former. And do you know what?  The only way to enjoy sloth is once you have eliminated all the threats you have to face. The aforementioned Ugg is not going to snooze unless he’s eaten the Cave Bears which  might have interrupted his afternoon lie down.

Sloth is not a sin. It’s a reward for clawing your way to the top of the evolutionary climbing apparatus. You wake up refreshed, have a piss in the glowing sunlight of a rising dawn and then prepare to kill something. It is essential.

5. Wrath.

If people didn’t get hideously pissed off we would not have crawled out of the mud. If things with scales and jaws like industrial machines were trying to eat me I’d also get slightly vexed. In fact I might even become peeved. My thoughts would be along the lines of ‘wait you fuckers, I’m coming back with a huge stick.’

Wrath is fantastic – maintaining a level of ‘pissed off’ is great – it makes us better, faster thinking and more vicious than every other species on the planet. God help the aliens who come to harvest us for food when they do arrive. They’re going to be kebabs.

6. Envy.

Why bother if you are going to be driving a beat up 70’s era family hauler when your neighbour is getting up in the morning and hitting the streets in a Rolls Royce?

If envy didn’t make your heart beat a little faster then you would continue to be that little fish that bigger fish view as a dinner option. But you’re not. You covet that Roller, you envy your neighbour sleeping with his wife and her plastic surgery enhanced tits.

Ugg (he’s back) envied the fur on that Cave Bear that allowed it to sleep so comfortably when the glaciers were bearing down. So what did he do?

Firstly he killed and ate the Cave Bear. secondly he invented fire. The bedrock of human development and evolution. Without envy we’re pond scum.

7. Pride.

Should you be proud of yourself? Hell yes!

You’re here. Alive and still your lifetime keeps on ticking somewhat ominously towards a final rest.

Be fucking proud of yourself. Look at the humble tadpole. It goes through living hell to become a frog. Everything above and below the waterline wants it for a snack. You don’t have to put up with that. Be proud you can grab the nearest hard object and beat the snot out of almost anything on the planet.

Stand tall and embrace the fact although you walk through the valley of death you are the meanest Motherfucker in that valley.

Without pride we are tadpoles.

Taking this all into account it’s no wonder that giraffes, as majestic as they are or lemurs who do have very clever hands are not in control of the world.

We’re nasty and vicious. That’s what makes the world go round. Not butterflies and Unicorn poop – rock hard viciousness. And we will not stop until the last blade of grass is gone. Because we’re hardwired for it.

Conclusion.

Happy – well whatever.

That said – I’m not that cynical. That was just the result of a thought. And it was meant to make you think. How many of those sins are you guilty of? Can you forgive yourself? My answer is yes. Do not live with the burden of the mind. It is fruitless. Tomorrow is another country – explore it.

Be with those you love, and cherish the fact that you deeply flawed. We all are. But in this season we can make an effort to at least try better. Please. I have reserved my seat in one of the circles. It might actually be a bit of a timeshare deal. There are many circles that I would fir into. Almost like the part of the sky in the jigsaw puzzle.

But you have to try and avoid those sins. Try as hard as you can.

May goodness and mercy follow you all. May your God smile down and recognize you for what you are, a unique and precious being.

May those who love you see through the paper thin exterior and into your heart – and may that that heart be filled with love. For others – and for yourself.

You are part of a great web of humanity. Just being here today is a miracle. It may be tough, but as the greatest Gonzo journalist of all time said:

“Pray to God, but row away from the rocks.”

It’s up to you to police your own conscience. Be true to it.

 

 

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Daily Rant – America Observation Edition 08 November 2018

As we all wait in anticipation for Nancy or ‘Old Twitchy’ as I call her to be the voice of the Democrats in the House one thing struck me.

America is far, far away. Yes, they sneeze and the world catches cold.

But here is the funny thing.

I don’t think middle America would know if they caught a cold. I have doubts whether or not middle America knows what a cold is.

And here is what made me think.

The Ohio State Fair.

Let me explain. I love cooking shows. Not the scripted Gordon Ramsey specials or Iron Chef. People who go out there and experience. They only have a finite life – they soon implode and become the victims of their own success and then they giggle their way up their own assholes.

But while they strive to achieve success sometimes they hit the nail on the head.

So, one of the channels I watch sent four guys to the Ohio State Fair. In defense of Ohio – the food looks like it could kill you. Fabulous. That’s what you want – on a stick.

But every single one of them was exposed to the comment ‘wer ya from – Australia?’

All of them are from different backgrounds in London.

There is something deeply wrong with people and a culture that thinks a British accent is Australian.

There may be a number of reasons for this.

  1. Paul Hogan.
  2. Too much butter.
  3. Not enough TV.
  4. Too much TV.
  5. Too much focus on pork..
  6. Mercury in the drinking water.

Given what I watched cholesterol may also play a part. Eating a butter cow will clog your brain in some way I cannot even begin to imagine.

But if your default accent is Australian you might have a problem.

Insular is one thing. Not knowing the difference between a British accent and Australian is another thing entirely.

Unfuck yourself America.

Micro Rant – Inanimate Object Edition – 01 October 2018

I’d like to get an opinion here.

I know as we get older we tend to mumble under our breath about things which annoy us. I think it’s pretty normal.

But I am becoming increasingly worried about my habit of talking to odd things.

Now I’m not talking about things that are mobile or capable of photosynthesis. I’ve talked to trees and flowers for decades.

As far as I’m concerned that is completely normal behaviour. Although interaction can have its limits as far as Mother Nature is concerned. I am sure there have been trees who have been very startled by an unexpected hug.

The same goes for anything interesting that crawls around the garden. Flies over it or burrows in the ground. Or tries to hurt me.

I’m usually very polite. In the middle of the night even the largest moth or things that ricochet of a wall will get a quiet ‘please fuck off.’

I spent 30 minutes lecturing a slug the other night.

I don’t even want to talk about frogs, geckos and The Shrew.

But my major worry is that I am starting to engage with completely inanimate objects.

A can of tomato and onion mix is not a great conversationalist.

Pasta is no better – even if you use a faux Italian accent as you bring the water to boil.

And I know for a fact that it is absolutely useless to talk to toilet paper, or  sticky tape and berating them for the fact that I cannot find the beginning of the roll.

A lightbulb got a talking to a couple of nights ago.

I’m not sure if this is the result of a solitary lifestyle or my brain just nudging me and saying ‘I’m on my way out mate – just letting you know’.

Is this normal?

Or should I be terribly worried?

Daily Rant – Let’s Sue Everyone! 29 September 2018

It was no great surprise when I read a recent article about a New York City man who, upon leaving the theatre was knocked down by an inebriated motorized scooter driver.

Now I am not belittling his experience. I would have been startled in the extreme. But reading this article one sentence stood out. He was said to have ‘suffered an abrasion to the knee’.

OK. This poor guy was 64. But that’s hardly broken hip territory.

But here’s the thing. In the country where I come from an abrasion to the knee is regarded as a lucky escape from a pavement related crime. It would would be followed by some choice words regarding the scooter driver and the amorous nocturnal activities of at least one of his parents.

But he did something else. He called the cops. Starting off the process of what I call the ‘U.S. Observation Reflex’. it’s a simple process. You call in an official. You document the course of events and then you gird your loins to sue EVERYONE.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the following people are going to be sued.

The New York City Authorities.
The scooter manufacturer.
The distillers of whatever alcohol the crazed scooter driver had been drinking.
The manufacturers of the clothing that this poor unfortunate theatre goer was wearing.
The theatre itself.

Now let me describe something of a personal nature.

Some months ago I ordered a couple of burgers. I was content waiting in a fast food establishment mindlessly using my phone which could have launched an Apollo mission playing at harvesting crops or breaking crystals or reading FOX News. Something mindless.

And my order was called. Some pond dwelling imbecile had rucked up the nylon welcome mat (the version which looks like someone mugged the giant at the top of the beanstalk and shaved off his genital hairs to power an industrial process).

And I tripped over the edge. The knee related result looked like a group of sailors had carnal relations with a one legged prostitute on a shag pile carpet and she came away with the burns.

Did I call the cops?

No. I muttered ‘well fuck’.

And miraculously I did not immediately hobble to the nearest lawyer.

I put some antiseptic on it and had a large Scotch.

Let me give you some insight into South Africa.

If I had called the cops the following would have happened. They would have shot me for wasting their time. And maybe taken my burgers while I was looking for a kidney donor on Reddit.

Grow the fuck up.

‘Knee abrasion’ – seriously?

Daily Rant – Big Nose Edition and Salute – 05 September.

Life is not like a box of chocolates. Irrespective of what Mr. Gump told us.

Get to the age of 40 – and I’m beyond that horizon. And you will realise that life is an elastic band (Oxford comma – fuck you).

If you have ever had an afternoon snooze and sat bolt upright and thought ‘sheep vagina!’ then you have had an elastic moment – albeit an odd one.

Yeah baby – baah

Now this is a story (feel free to sing the Fresh Prince of Bellaire intro) of two guys. Who learned to loath each other.

It’s also a list of love and what contributed to the person I am today.

That miserable, beautiful, angry big nose bastard was a man by the name of Lyall Ashberg, He fucked me into my shape.

And the bastard now has a supermodel wife. Who just seems so nice. I don’tknow she hasn’t killed him yet.

Shout out Sherryl Ashberg and dogs and kids who look just wonderful.

Big Nose bitched and moaned at everything. Food, people, weather – he bitched at buses, He hated Jews. He hated Americans. Thank God he couldn’t recognise Armenians . The only people he didn’t hate were the Flemish. Because she was hot and I think he liked her boyfriend.

They could speak Afrikaans. Well, sort of. And we could speak Afrikaans (well sort of).

But this is background – and it is a salute to Bignose. A man who could run like the wind. Who taught me how to do shotput (how the fuck did you do that?). And was shit at bodyboarding (how the fuck did you do that?).

A good man. And now I am going to list what I learned in the Holy Land at the age of 19. Thanks to a trip with Big Nose.

1. Planes suck. Religious people in airplanes should be jettisoned.

2. Israel is cool – people with guns rock. Especially woman with guns. I get wet. I thought that was a girl thing. But I will slide off a bar stool .

3. Food is good. Explore.

4. Spend time with horses – you’ll grow to hate those shit producing prancing fucks.

5. Do not lose a boot in 2 metre deep horse shit corrals.

6. Sheep vaginas are very close to human, I found out. (wait – artificial insemination). Ask him

7. Spot welding is a bastard – it hurts so good.

8. Do not lift your goggles off ever when spot welding.

9. Tiberius fishes are literally what made Jesus walk on water. Delicious bar snacks.

St Peter’s fish. Thank you.

10. Do not allow friends to make bets on your behalf. Especially with large middle Eastern folk.

11. Do not arm wrestle middle eastern folk.

12. Do not win. Never let a large nosed Red Sea Pedestrian say ‘double or nothing.’

13. Do not win. And do NOT let him scream ‘Fuck you bastards, where’s my money’ at arm wrestling people.

14. ‘Your money – you fuck – can’t feel my fingers’

15. Beer is Gods way of saying thank you.

16. Owners of co-operative are not co-operative (love you old man).

17. Dead lambs are truly, truly awful and make you cry.

18. Tractors are fucking fantastic.

19. Sheep are idiots.

20. 5am is stupid.

21. Family does not rely on blood. Or trying to spot weld someone.

Thanks Doc.

Love you.

Daily Rant(ish) – What is the Greater Good?

What is The Greater Good’?

I read historical fiction – much of it is the result of incredibly intelligent people simply filling in the gaps about what we know about history.

I also read dry as a bone history. It’s not fun. But it balances out the imagination of those who engage in flights of (very well researched) fancy.

I will not argue the nature of truth – that is simply too complex. In history the truth is written by victors. It been said again and again. It’s hardly an innovative opinion.

But. After reading about Genghis Kahn, Napoleon, Alexander, Julius Gaius Caesar, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and numerous generals and tyrants across the globe.

These are people who have pursued glory. For their own bloodlust.

One thing has become apparent to me.

There is nothing more dangerous than an adherence to the fiction of guiding the ‘Greater Good’.

Every single one of the people that we hold up as masters of war had one thing in common ‘the Greater Good.’

They were dangerous bloodthirsty megalomaniacs.

Examine the ‘Greater Good.’

And before we examine what politicians claim is for the ‘Greater Good’ let’s examine what happens prior to their standing on a podium.

Break it down. I am no sociology master – and I cannot drive a stake into the ground to say that I am. But there is a simple thread that runs through the weave of this fiction.

Dreamy. Nothing like killing 25 million people to get you wet.

For these psychopaths to assume power  (because I believe that is what these people are), there have to be some fractures in society and economics.

1. You must have a society that is disintegrating from social or economic pressure

2. Hunger and crime due to internal pressures must be present.3. There must be widespread distrust of law and order and those that enforce it.

4. The legal system must be subject to delay of justice.

5. Income disparity.

6. A breakdown of national identity / tribalism.

7. Overt reliance on external funding and macro-economic disparity.

8. Extended lines of credit – and / or supply.

9. Disenfranchisement of sectors of society.

10. Lack of communication and financial infrastructure.

11. Confusion as to the source of power and influence.

12. Breakdown in international relations.

13. Centralised media control.

14. Extended supply lines (apply to modern import / export).

And the most important – there must always be an ‘other’. Someone to blame. I’m a Jew. Not religious – I find my thanks in other places. The wind and the Earth. But we are the Canary in the Coalmine. Watch carefully. The moment that Jews are blamed it’s time to think carefully. Listen to the Yids – hark the Red Sea pedestrians. We’re very sensitive to the wind.

You’ve probably got a bit of him inside you.
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/gnxp/2010/08/1-in-200-men-direct-descendants-of-genghis-khan/#.W4rXCegzbIU

Now, back to history. I challenge anyone to tell me that all the above issues were not present prior to all hell breaking loose in the Roman Empire, Soviet Russia and France prior to Napoleon. And the death of an icon always means trouble.

The mad tramp who made the world his own. Nice do.

And this is when ‘saviors’ arrive. The manipulators and selfish power hungry maniacs who would see blood and bowels on the streets.

There are many other examples.

If you live in a country where you can tick off 6 of these 12 – it is a huge warning signal.

But, back to ‘The Greater Good.’

When these conditions are ticked off, listen for the warning signals. When politicians start talking about the ‘Greater Good’ they are not talking about you. They are not talking to your friends or family. They are not talking to a nation. They are preparing you for suffering.

There is no ‘Greater Good’. It is one of the most evil concepts in the entirety of history. It sent people to the gas chambers. It led to the killing fields in Asia. It led to millions dying in Russia. It is a call to march and a welcome to blood sweat, tears, shit and bowels on the pavement.

Bond Villain. Would be funny except for the fact of the killing fields.

And camps for those who do not believe in the ‘Greater Good’.

But, back to ‘The Greater Good.’

When these conditions are ticked off listen for the warning signals. When politicians start talking about the ‘Greater Good’ they are not talking about you. They are not talking to your friends or family. They are not talking to a nation. They are preparing you for suffering.

There is no ‘Greater Good’. It is one of the most evil concepts in the entirety of history. It sent people to the gas chambers. It led to the killing fields in Asia. It led to millions dying in Russia.

It means one thing. You and your family will be sacrificed to the hubris of those in power. If you ever hear a politician emote about sacrifice for the ‘Greater Good’ you are in the presence of evil. You are in the presence of a snatching, power filled megalomaniac.  They will grind you underfoot and leave your bones in the dust.

Daily Rant – Apartheid Edition (NSFW). 15 August 2018

I am furious. This is going to be a true rant.

I am sick to death – it is hurting me in my soul about the lies and deceit that the politicians throw around. They truly believe that dogs will grab that bone of hope.

And then then next election will come. And they will snatch that bone away and toss it to the dogs that supported them.

Now here’s a simple question to our government in South Africa.

You have had 25 years. Since the time I voted you into power.

So here’s the question – what have you dine for me – or anyone in South Africa?

Your accomplishments have been nothing. The municipal authorities under your control have resembled nothing other than the Court of Nero.

Complete and utter hedonism. Cars. Houses, parties. Overseas trips, jobs for friends in state enterprises.

Here a terrible question – are you fucking animals? Are you so tribal that you don’t give a shit about a nation?

Because that is what it looks like. You would rather this country burns than make it better.

Black and white – you’d watch this country burn.

It’s all about the votes. Why bother us with this? It’s fairly simple for you – foreign aid and siphoning off to the other failed states in sub-Saharan Africa and then a kickback.

And you don’t care about those states. Those which are not failed are on the edge.

Botswana. The diamonds are going to run out. And the money goes into government pockets. Namibia. Diamonds – the Coast under the control of multinationals (yes, they pay you – but you know who calls the shots). Zimbabwe – mineral wealth – it’ll be snatched up by the new government.

Mozambique. Too far way from the rest of the world. You rely on SA and tax revenues.

So there are all these countries. And not a single one of them adds value to the stuff they pull out of the Earth. Or grow.

Africa is the world’s bitch. And politicians are only too happy to bend her over and watch other people fuck her.

There is not a politician on this continent who will not set one person or cultural group against another in order that they have the nods from the World Bank and the EU – and the United States. They thrive on chaos. After all Singapore awaits. And Dubai.

And sub Saharan Africa is not alone. I have traveled around this continent. The Chinese are here. They do not care. You are below them. They want you resources. Show me an example of the value add. Don’t be fooled by roads and airports and rail.

Do you think the tree fairies brought them there?

Your politicians know it. It’s for movement of goods.

Building of ports? Everything of value flows out. Cheap textiles and products flow in.

But to return to South Africa. Our politicians owe us an explanation.

Forget this political masturbation about land. It’ll never happen. It’ll be another high profile vote building bullshit scheme.

It’s not about land. It’s about pride of ownership and a future for children. Electricity, water, housing. You have not been able to get it right. 25 Years.

Not bad for a man of the people Juju. Not bad.

You have given jobs for fiends. You have raped failing enterprises. You have pinned them them down and fucked them. And laughed.

And when you finished you wiped your dick on the curtains of the taxpayer and the world bank – and so called ‘investment’. Then the real reason rears its ugly head.

In the week when Julius Malema and Gayton McKenzie quibbled over Louis Vuitton clothes, the ANC rolled out its swag with yellow Audis. Picture: Facebook

You simply do not care. Those voters are cannon fodder to be sacrificed for your 4 storey house, 50k watch and your car.

Oh. And those shoes you bought in London which are cleaned off when you visit a Kraal. Why would anyone want shit on their shoes? It’s only little people who get dirty.