Daily Rant – Words Edition. 29 July 2018

Fuck shit cunt nigger wop hebe kike queer faggot dyke cuntstain retard asswipe fuckwit kaffir.

Words can hit like a piledriver.

I’m sort of like a duck. The water rolls off my back. I am a Kike. Yup. A Red Sea Pedestrian. A fucking Jew.

And you know what? I am the most areligious person in the entire world. And I’m a walking emotional scar – names and sticks and stones. Those names and labels speak more about your insecurities than they do about me or my ethnic origins. If you want to label people – go ahead. But be aware. Some people do take offence. Violently.

Here’s a word that I take violent offense to when it is used. Kaffir. A word that hurts me. It makes me flinch. Because it brings back memories of yellow Stars on shirts

I’m sort of like a duck. The water rolls off my back. I am a Kike. Yup. A Red Sea Pedestrian. A fucking Jew.

I’m a walking emotional scar – names and sticks and stones. Those names and labels speak more about your insecurities than they do about me or my ethnic origins. If you want to label people – go ahead. But be aware. Some people do take offence. Violently.

Here’s a word that I take violent offense to when it is used. Kaffir. A word that hurts me. It makes me flinch. Because it brings back memories of yellow stars on shirts and tattoos on the inside of arms.

I will never, ever use that word. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

For those of you who did not grow up in Apartheid South Africa or did not work against that terrible system it is very difficult to understand what that word means.

It is filled with hatred and scorn and an attitude that simply puts people into the category of sub human.

But there is another word that is even worse.

And we use it all the time. It is a word that I am trying desperately trying to stop my kids using – and for those around me to eliminate from their vocabulary.

Hate.

Such a simple word.

But it is heavier than lead. It is more toxic than plutonium.

‘I hate this weather’. No; you don’t. It’s unpleasant, you are uncomfortable. Put on a jersey. Or take it off.

‘I hate this sand – it’s too hot!’ No, you are an entitled idiot on a beach. Pull your clothing out your crack and enjoy.

‘I hate this traffic!’ Get out and walk.

If you hate something you had better be ready to put your heart and soul into it.
There are very few absolutes in life.

Hatred is one of those.

Be careful of that word.

If you use it – be aware that you carry a burden. A weight that you have to bear. Be willing to strap it on to your back. Because that is what it will be; a weight. And one that no human being should carry.

Wait, I left ‘bastard’ and ‘whore’ out of that first sentence.

Words are weapons of mass destruction. They can hit harder than a brick to the head – and they can become viral and destroy a civilisation. Be careful how you use words.

You motherfuckers sleep tight. Stop hating things.

Don’t be like Steve. Be nice and stop being angry. Love you all.

Daily Rant – Warning Label Edition. 21 July 2018

I think I have been very well behaved in the last couple of weeks.

My rants have been thoughtful and incisive. I have walked that fine line between simple anger and acerbic comment. I have not vented my spleen (I don’t think I know how – it sounds tremendously mechanical and complex) against companies, organisations or individuals.

I have, in short been an adult.

Kiss that shit goodbye.

I have learned – and it has been a slow but steady process, to listen carefully and not open my mouth until have something that will add to an argument. It has been steady, plodding process.

Now I simply look at people who would have to use Google to look up the concept and definition of ‘civilised discourse and argument’.

Now I’m not so self-absorbed or arrogant to think that I’m intelligent. I’m not. However, I don’t need people around me to start discussing Plato’s ‘Symposium’.

But I do expect people to have the wit to both avoid eating the napkins in restaurants and choose the right orifice for the garlic rolls.

I see elements of intellectual laziness whenever I am on the Internet, and God forbid, out there in the real world.

Isaac Newton wrote a letter to his rival Robert Hooke, in 1676 and what he said was this;

“What Descartes did was a good step. You have added much several ways, and especially in taking the colours of thin plates into philosophical consideration. If I have seen a little further, it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.”

Newton knew that snapping at the heels of those giants was a legion of people who would take delight, and perhaps revel in their own ignorance.

But perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps those ankle biting imbeciles are doing it on purpose. Possibly there is some nefarious group whose machinations are so hidden in the shadows that they are using stupidity as a camouflage for something more insidious.

That was the most verbose sentence ever written, for those who are taking notes.

But. Once again, I veer wildly from the path that this rant was supposed to follow.

I was actually going to write about a sticker I saw while looking at something completely unrelated to productivity or even the semblance of a real life.

It read ‘I have nothing against stupid people. I say let’s just remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem sort itself out.’

And my mind immediately started to tick over. It’s pure Darwinism. If you are by nature destined to wade around the shallow end of the gene pool, then it is the responsibility of others to let loose the piranhas of common sense.

This is no argument for eugenics or something vile like that. We just need to stop warning people not to put their fingers into plug sockets.

And – I’m not talking about folk that make things, or work with their hands. Building a barbecue from a barrel is about seven times more complex than anything I could ever accomplish.

Genius.

Those people are artists. But I bet you they will not be testing the fuel supply by looking into the tank with a lighted match for illumination.

But when you have to put warning labels that read;

On a bottle of dog medication: ‘may cause drowsiness – do not use when operating a vehicle’

or

‘Do not let children play in the dishwasher’

Or

‘Do not iron item while wearing’

We are simply catering to the lowest common denominator.

And there seem to be many people who need a warning label on a box of fish hooks that reads ‘may be harmful if swallowed.’

Once again. I am not a clever person. I am not, nor will ever be a shining light of intellect. But if we have reached a point in our evolution that these warnings are required, something has gone deeply, deeply wrong.

That’s all.

Don’t be like Steve. Don’t be angry. Enjoy your weekend everyone.

Daily Rant – Food Edition. 20 July 2018

If you met me you’d quickly realise that I really love food. I love to shop for ingredients, I love pots and pans. I love cooking on gas. I love tasting and the anticipation of a good meal. I love tastes from different countries. I even like fish sauce. A dab of that makes a dish scream. Especially curries. I love the fact that I have to be very, very careful when I use chillies. People don’t like to burn.

I love to see smiles when I cook something and have others enjoy it.

I have eaten things that would make an Hyena vomit. It’s not a boast – it’s just the fact that taste is such an interesting thing.

Why? Because food is the manna that keeps us alive.

You must try. I believe that. Just try things.

But here is something that is incredible. Some of the best meals I have ever had did not have an ounce of animal protein.

There was a gentleman named Abhi who I worked with in Singapore who asked me to go out for lunch with him. He took me to an exclusively vegetarian Indian restaurant.

I can honestly say that the flavours that I experienced were absolutely incredible. The experience was one I will never forget. And that was a simple lunch.

There is so much hatred and misunderstanding about food. I really think that vegans have a great idea. I follow with avid interest the new developments around synthetic meat.

There are a number of companies that are using vegetable sources to make something that is so close to the protein that meat eaters love. I also believe that we can grow meat in a lab. Give me that (and again we are close) and I’d never eat something that comes from something with eyes again – potatoes excluded.

I have walked through an abattoir during the busy period. I have smelt the blood, shit and yes, the electric pain that those animals feel. I have seen a living creature reduced down to its constituent parts. And yes, I did throw up outside while taking off my plastic booties while the management of the place laughed.

It was not the steam. Or the blood. It was not the smell of shit when they tore out the entrails. It was something far more horrible. The place stank of fear and desperation. Just like the gentle rain of warm fat that coated you as you were walking it settled onto you – and it was not something you could just wash off with the gel that they provide you when you exit – like some sort of balm that will wash your mind clean.

I’m not saying you should be ashamed of eating meat. I do not say that. But I’m beginning to realise that perhaps the question is more complex.

We have taken a world and twisted it. We have bred dogs that are more comfortable in handbags than in a field of grass. We have chickens that cannot stand upright because of the size of their breasts. We have cows that have to be bred in order to give us milk.

But there is never a simple answer.

Rice. Companies like Monsanto have patented golden rice. And Greenpeace hates it. It is easy to grow and it combats vitamin A deficiency, especially in countries like Bangladesh where it is endemic.

When it was invented – without any corporate involvement, it was hailed as crop that could save a million kids a year.

Sadly, it just didn’t have the beta carotene oomph it needed.

So, the inventors licensed it to Syngenta.

Here’s the interesting thing:

‘on the condition that it would be made available to farmers in the developing world for free. The company developed an improved Golden Rice variety with much higher levels of beta-carotene in 2005 and decided not to commercialize it in the developed world as there was no market for it. Syngenta continues to support the project with advice and scientific know-how, but has no commercial control over it.’

Greenpeace hates this product.

It makes their blood boil. How dare a large company make available a technology that uses GM as its basis?

What does this tell us about large corporates and GM foods, or for that matter Greenpeace and their fellow travelers?

To use a great South African expression – ‘sweet fuck all’.

Large business are in it for the profit – and for all those who love nature and all its creatures that swim, crawl and bound across our wonderful planet I have some bad news. Greenpeace is a large corporate.

To come back to a point that I sadly and as usual have deviated from, food is a complex subject. GMO’s are a complex subject.

Human beings are not some sort of infallible god that waves a magic wand over the ills of the world and makes them disappear.

Science does not have all the answers.

We try. Glow in the dark pigs made by splicing jellyfish DNA with the porkers own genetic makeup are not the only things that genetic manipulation is good for.

They are cute. I want one.

We are a species that revels in uncertainty.

‘Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying “End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH”, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.
-Terry Pratchet.

Curiosity does not only kill the cat, it skins it and puts the remains onto a dog to see if it will then meow.

That is who we are as a species.

It’s not all bad. We need to continue to reach in order to touch the outer stretches of the universe. Things could go bang – but that is the nature of the universe itself.

To end off. Eat, live. love. But try let the paint dry before you make any decisions.

And try to write articles which do not veer all over the road as if driven by a drunken sailor on shore leave.  This one was supposed to be about mayonnaise – but as usual it got away from me entirely. Seems to be an ongoing theme.

Have a lovely weekend. Don’t be a Steve – don’t be angry.

Daily Rant – Cola Edition. 15 July 2018

This is not Pineapple as she is wrote.

Sit down children. It’s story time. Yes, you as well Phillipa, if you promise not to bite Markie and yes you Scott if you stop trying to eat Samantha’s hair. Yes, it is pretty, but hair is not for eating.

Now this is a story about a Daddy. No Phillipa, no one gets deported.

Yes Frank, everyone is going to be at home when you get back.

Paulie, peanut butter does not live on Samantha’s hair. Yes you can have it later after nap time.

The things I have to do in order to get the voices to just calm down for a second.

So daughter and friend are visiting for a day of fun with me and the 17 other people who live in my head.

I thought it might be nice to buy them a beverage or two.

Now unlike most normal people I glanced at the orange juice and thought that it was far too pedestrian. I wanted something filled the brim with anti oxidants and produced by goggle eyed chemists.

So – and bless them at the Cola company that makes the world a happier and more obese place, I saw a can of Fanta.

But this can was sparkly and promised pineapple flavour. I love pineapple.

So I bought a brace of them.

However, as with most plans, it fell apart at 4am. There was a drought in my body. So I stole one can. In have no excuse other than the fact that I thought I could decant the other can into a glass and my daughter and company would be none the wiser.

I have very rarely regretted something at 4am so much. And believe you me – there have been some very questionable choices made at 4am.

This is not pineapple. There is not anything like this in nature that is born of the soil. This is like licking Satan’s armpit. And then running your tongue over his week old underpants.

Who taste tests these things? It was vomitous.

If I cannot stomach it that means that a hyena would throw up.

And this is on the market. Someone thought it would be a great idea. I’d like to meet that person. I really would.

I have some ideas I’d like to pitch. Running shoe flavoured, barnacle sips, septic tank sparkling water?

If this is the state of the beverage industry I have grave doubts about the sustainability of their business model.

NOT The Daily Rant. Cave Edition. 09 July 2018

Only some two weeks ago 12 young men and their soccer coach were trapped in the flooded Tham Luang Nang Non caves in Chiang Rai, northern Thailand.

Experts from all over the world were called in to try and get those kids and their coach to safety.

Thank whatever higher being there is, 5 of those brave young men have now been brought to safety. But the sheer magnitude of the challenge is incredible.

For those who pray – this is the time.

Already one very experienced Thai SEAL has died in effort to bring succor to those who are far from their loved ones – and until recently probably without hope.

But the world mobalised. There are teams from across the globe helping. I will not mention individual nations, it’s pointless – they were all united in one thing, a love for children and a great love for humanity. And the Thai government welcomed the help.

There are those cynics who believe that this was a ploy by the Thai ruling junta to distract from upcoming elections.

I choose to believe differently. We all share a common humanity.

Where children are involved we band together – and that is as it should be.

But something occurred to me.

In Western society we would immediately be pointing fingers. Who is to blame? We play the blame game almost unthinkingly. There must always be ‘another’ who is responsible for this current state of affairs.

I am by no means an old hand in South East Asia.

However, my experience is this. Those of various beliefs in South East Asia are as tough as nails. Depending on their culture they accept what life brings. That is not to say they will not fight tooth and nail against fate. But what will be will be.

I am not being condescending, if I have misinterpreted, then please, I will correct my opinion.

These are tough, tough folk.

But this struck me:

The parents of 12 boys stranded inside a northern Thailand cave have written to their children for the first time and to the coach who led them inside, telling him: “Please don’t blame yourself.”

“To all the kids,” one letter, written by the mother of Nattawut Takamsai, 14, said. “We are not mad at you at all. Do take good care of yourself. Don’t forget to cover yourself with blankets as the weather is cold. We’re worried. You will come out soon.”

She wrote to Ekkapol Chantawong, the coach: “We want you to know that no parents are angry with you at all, so don’t you worry about that.”

Now contrast that with how quickly we are to assign blame.

I have no doubt in my mind that the media will crucify this poor man. All he was trying to do was reward and motivate his soccer team. He made a mistake – he went to deep into a cave. It was not a terrible mistake – excitable youngsters were involved and he probably wanted to indulge them, but it spiraled out of control.

He is guilty of nothing except love for the kids under his wings. But the sharks of the media will circle.

He is nothing short of a hero. Mistakes aside. He has tried his best to keep a group of frightened, weak young men motivated and in good health. He has nothing to be ashamed of.

I for one salute him. But watch as he is devoured by the media.

As the water rises the NEED for more drama will accelerate – and the blame game will begin.

And then the little bottom feeders of the social media will start.

My prayers, from this old and creaky Agnostic may not count for much. But they are there for these brave, brave kids – and their keeper.

Daily Rant. Bloody Annoyed / All Over the Place Edition. 04 July 20018.

HAPPY FOURTH AMERICAN FOLK!

So here’s your latest rant.

I get angry. But very rarely at colour or creed. In fact, I don’t think I ever have.

But you fucking pond scum on the social media who mock and belittle people of different sexual persuasions. You are filth. So tiny that you want to hurt and poke and burn. People who you think cannot fight back.

You think they can’t – guess what? I’ll be at their side.

These are folks who have carried enough baggage in their lives. And you sit on your couches and drink your cocktails?

‘Oh, look at the deviants’

Stop it. These are good people. They don’t want to hurt your kids or you. They are good, honest folk, for the most part.

Why are we becoming so polarised that we cannot say ‘hi, nice to meet you?’
This is an old and terrifying mentality. ‘Look at the Jew. Look at the Catholic, look at the black person, look at the Indian.’

ENOUGH.

Start thinking. Or stop thinking. And start praying. Or looking up, or down at the little things that crawl or scurry. Because you are on your knees for a reason. Who do you think is going to look down and give you a hand?

And for the record, I don’t believe in some sort of benevolent God that has a white beard and judges from on high.

If you do, then I respect that. It is wonderful to have a guideline – a moral compass. But if you use that to terrify and belittle someone I will read you your rights. And you will lose the argument.

And then after writing that I realised something. It’s not just about sexual orientation – it’s simple hatred and fear.

I believe in the idea of goodness. I believe that people are inherently good. And I believe this even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

There are people full of rage and violence and sheer bitter hatred and these are people who see others as objects to hurt and maim and kill. Those are outliers. I truly believe that. And they should be put down like rabid animals.

It is contradictory. But there cannot be just black and white opinions. There are grey areas. That is what a thinking person struggles with. That fog of grey where you can only struggle to seek a universal truth.

I like people. I really find them interesting and full of fear and contradiction and love and dislike and hope and beauty.

And sometimes you come across someone that harbours that terrible thing in their soul – hate.

I will never, ever forget what a man said to me once. And it has been said by many others. But this man was imprisoned on Robyn Island by the Apartheid regime. For many years. Put to work breaking rocks. Every day. Rain or shine. Inhaling dust and shivering or sweating. And I will never forget that he laughed and was as strong as an iron bar. He could quiet a crowd with one word.

And the words he said to me were simple.

‘Hate only hurts you. It limits your understanding. Your heart will break if you allow hatred to rule it. You feel that, not the object of your hatred.’

Now that’s all very Zen. But it came from a man. Who is human. A real person. So, I beg of you. Don’t judge.

And I know it’s difficult. And I talk to all of you, across the world. Sex, age, colour and creed. We need to look inside ourselves.

If you meet someone with hatred in their hearts, turn away. Do not allow it to poison your soul.

Hatred. Fear.

Just stop it.